The ICE officer uniforms are gauche, don’t you think? I mean, Camo for an urban context? The urban uniforms that local, state, and other federal law enforcement officers are issued are a little more “city.” I mean, Camo is appropriate attire for blending in in a duck blind. But if I see Camo Man coming toward me on an urban sidewalk, I’m thinking, “Is this dude lost? Did he just come from hunting elk or did they forget to tell him he wasn’t being assigned to Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky?” A total mismatch between uniform and environment can really do a number on a guy’s morale. And don’t get me started on the face mask! Not great for photo ops next to one’s prey in cuffs after the bust.
I realize this is no peacekeeping operation ordered by the White House. They’re declaring war on our cities (evidently the “blue” ones exclusively), and they want to don uniforms that say in no uncertain terms: “maximum intimidation and lethality.” I get that. But couldn’t they say all that AND do it in style at the same time?
It occurs to me that the tens of thousands of these new hires trolling American cities for bad guys (and a bunch of scary bad mothers and five-year olds) are eventually going to be out of work when the mission is completed at the end of Donald Trump’s fourth term. And once they’ve gotten a taste of tasing, shooting, and gassing peaceful protestors they’ve not going to be stoked about going back to checking at Walmart. They’re not going to want to waste their 2-day online riot training to cook at their cousin’s meth lab in West Virginia. They’ve gotten a taste of the good life and have set their sights to higher ground, like security guard at a mini-mart. But not a good look if they show up to the interview dressed in Old Camo. It will only better their chance of employment donning a more appropriate Trump Brigade uniform.
If you think about it, we citizens should have a vote in said uniform. As federal employees, they work for us taxpayers. They represent us, and should look the part during beat downs and shootings on iPhone videos that end up on YouTube. Something that says in no uncertain terms, “Watch out! Here we come to make your streets and neighborhoods look great again!”
I propose a national contest for the best attire submission with a prize––wait for it––of a gold-plated bobblehead depicting Donald Trump as a federal agent handcuffing a kindergartener. Yes?
It’s up to you if you want to think business casual, something in plaid, or like a James Bond-type tux. Anything that would set them apart in urban settings and make them look good on camera. Don’t forget to adapt accessories (bulletproof vest, smoke bombs, 9mm Glock, etc).
Of course, only white MAGA Republicans are allowed to enter the contest (no RINOs need apply). Obviously, lefty communist America-haters have no sense of style and aren’t welcome. Be sure to send along with your submission your proof of citizenship and $10,000 entry fee. All proceeds will go to the Donald Trump reelection fund.
Make America DAPPER Again!
barney wiget 