Light and Lysol Injections Anyone?

Another imbecilic improv on COVID cures

POTUS: “So, supposing we hit the body with a tremendous — whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light — and I think you said that that hasn’t been checked, but you’re going to test it.  … [S]upposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way, and I think you said you’re going to test that too.  It sounds interesting. …

“I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that. So, that, you’re going to have to use medical doctors … But … it sounds interesting to me.” 

Of all the president’s press briefings on COVID this one reminds me most of high school speech class during improv exercises. The teacher gives you a topic, and gives you 10 seconds to think about it. You come up with whatever comes to your mind and talk about it for 5 minutes. It doesn’t have to be true. It doesn’t even have to make sense. It just has to fill the entire time limit with you talking.

So, “bring(ing) some light inside the body… under the skin”… Is that a thing? Thinking about it kinda creeps me out!

Lysol makers respond…

“As a global leader in health and hygiene products, we must be clear that under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body (through injection, ingestion or any other route). As with all products, our disinfectant and hygiene products should only be used as intended and in line with usage guidelines.”

That seems reasonable to me. In my youth I used a lot of different kinds of illicit drugs, but thank heaven, shooting Lysol never occurred to me!

The presidential walk-it-back dance…

If the following isn’t the most bizarre concoction of English words strung together… Here’s where the high school improv assignment really gets cranking! Since the assignment is not about making sense but to just fill up the time with verbiage, the president aces it!

To really get the most out of this I recommend you read it out loud. If you have a talent for impressions, it’ll be even better if you do it in his voice. Feel free to use his unique gesticulation style as well.

And if anyone speaks Trumpese, please provide an interpretation of the “clarification” of his previous day’s remarks about sunlight and disinfectant. I’ll take it for my headache.

“When I was asking a sarcastic — a very sarcastic question to the reporters in the room about disinfectant on the inside, but it does kill it, and it would kill it on the hands and that would make things much better. That was done in the form of a sarcastic question to a reporter.”

In case you were wondering if anyone truly thought he was being sarcastic, our good friends at Breitbart (now that’s sarcasm!) thought so. Is anyone surprised?

But wait, there’s more…

“To look into whether or not sun — and disinfectant on the hands — but whether or not sun can help us. Because, I mean he came in yesterday and he said they’ve done a big study. This is a study. This isn’t where he hasn’t done it. This is where they’ve come in with a final report that sun has a massive impact negatively on this virus. In other words, it does not live well with humidity and it doesn’t live well with sun, sunlight, heat. It doesn’t live well with heat and sun and and disinfectant. And that’s what I brought up, and I thought that was clear.”

Was that clear to you? My head is throbbing too much to know.

Jeff Mason [Reuters journalist]: “Just to follow up on the comments from yesterday you said you were being sarcastic, but some people may have misunderstood you. Do you want to just clarify?”

POTUS: “I wish they […]”

Jeff Mason: “Do you want to clarify to Americans if you don’t want people to think that?”

Here’s where you’ll need all your interpretive skills to be in working order. Prepare yourself for some crazy talk…

POTUS: “Yes. I do think that disinfectant on the hands could have a very good effect. Now, Bill is going back to check that in the laboratory. You know, it’s an amazing laboratory, by the way. It’s amazing the work they do. So, he’s going to check because a hard surface. This is a hard surface I guess maybe depending on whose hand you’re talking about, right? But this is a hard surface and disinfectant, disinfectant has an unbelievable — it wipes it out. You saw it? Sun and heat, and humidity and you wipe it out. And this is from tests — they’ve been doing these tests for a number of months. And the result — so then I said, ‘Well, how do we do it inside the body or even outside the body with the hands and disinfectant I think would work.’ He thinks it would work. When you use it when you’re doing your hands. I guess that’s one of the reasons they say wash your hands, but whether it’s washing hands or disinfectant on your hands, it’s very good. So, they’re going to start looking at that. And there is a way of, you know, if light — if sun, sun itself that sun has a tremendous impact on or kills it like in one — it goes from what was it? Hours to like one minute instead.”

So, instead of hours, this new miracle cure works in one minute? And “Bill” is going back to the lab to check it out? I hope he does it on his own time and not on the taxpayers’ dime! Even if he does “think it would work.”

And what’s the deal about “hard surfaces” only being hard depending on whose hand is on it? Are there hands out there that when they touch hard surfaces they become soft? I guess that would be handy (no pun intended) for street fighters and rock climbers.

Is your brain sufficiently rested for another string of non-sequiturs?

“So, I said you got to go back and look, but I’d like them now to look as it pertains to the human body. Not just sitting on a railing or sitting on a wall. I’d like to look as it pertains because maybe there’s something there. They have to work with — I’m not a doctor. They have to work with their doctors. But maybe there is something to light, and the human body, and helping people that are dying.”

Isn’t this a little like the captain of the Titanic saying to his terrified passengers? “I’ve heard that sharks really don’t bite after all. In fact, there’s one theory that if you get on their backs, they’ll carry you to shore.”

Jeff Mason: “Just to clarify: You’re not encouraging Americans to inject disinfectant?”

POTUS: “No. Of course not… It was said sarcastically. It was put in the form of a question to a group of extraordinary hostile people. Namely, the fake news media.”

Watch the clip and tell me if there’s any logical way one could chock his comments up to sarcasm.

Thankfully, that’s the end of the president’s indecipherable claims of COVID cures, but I had to include this last bit of back-and-forth between the him and a couple of reporters. If you’re not laughing hysterically by the end, get your funny bone checked. I’ve heard that sunlight and disinfectant injections can cure that!

Jeff Mason: “Some doctors felt you needed to clarify that after your comments.”

POTUS: “Of course, all they had to do was see just — you know the way it was asked. I was looking at you.”

Jeff Mason: No you weren’t sir. I wasn’t there yesterday.

Weijia Jiang: You were looking at Dr. Birx.

POTUS: What’s that?

Weijia Jiang: You were looking at Dr. Birx.

POTUS: I was looking at Bill. I was looking at the doctor. I was looking at some of the reporters. I don’t know if you were there. Were you there?

Weijia Jiang: I was there and I watched you ask her.

POTUS: You were there. You were there. You I never forget.

Jeff Mason: I wasn’t there yesterday.

POTUS: You were not?

Jeff Mason: No sir.

POTUS: Yeah. I didn’t think you were there.

I’m so confused. Am I here? More to the point, were you there? I didn’t think so.

Lastly, at the off chance someone drops by who believes Donald Trump is the “very stable genius” in science he claims to be, you might want to hide all your Lysol.