Dear Mr. President,

Some of our fellow citizens have been complaining about how you’re managing your time and our money these days. But most of us believe their concerns to be entirely asinine. You’re under no obligation to answer to American citizens, especially those who didn’t even vote for you! Of course, “government by the people and for …

“I’ll never apologize!”

“Remember that when you have to pay a little bit more, $4—it’s okay. I mean, it’s… I’ll never apologize, I did the right thing. After we finish defeating Iran [...] pretty soon I’ll be declaring the Hormuz Strait a territory of the United States.” Who said this? Hint #1: It’s someone who’s never personally been …

The Kicker

Confession: I’m not a soccer fan. I’m not against it. I just don’t follow it. Maybe I’d like it better if they made the goal twice the size and made the goalie play on his knees? Until recently I thought the World Cup had something to do with an alcoholic beverage containing ingredients from around …